I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
