I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
