Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
