Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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