Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
