I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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