fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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