Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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