Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
