I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
This house was built for laser tag.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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