i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
