I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Randomize
