On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
