He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
