worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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