Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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