I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
