So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
