Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
