Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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