Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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