Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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