I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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