Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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