I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
