There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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