I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
