i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
