She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
