she woke up with a sticky ear
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
