the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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