I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
