her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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