Moan for me like Helen Keller
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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