i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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