guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
