woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
