I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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