Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
