i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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