Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
