Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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