remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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