Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
