dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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