I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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