she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
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