I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
