i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
