The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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