just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Randomize
