you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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