She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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