So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
