my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
