i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
There r osticjed everywhere
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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