you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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