They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
