Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
